English Trials
by JupiStrahan
Summary: Sheer Stupidity. And Relena burning at the stake. Wufei roasts marshmallows on the flames. ^_^


Title: English Trials  
Author: Jupiter Strahan  
Rating: PG  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4  
Warnings: AU, humor, yaoi, death (Relena's), OOC-ness, parody of   
Monty Python & the Holy Grail. (The fic won't make much sense unless   
you've seen it)  
  
  
  
English Trials by Jupiter Strahan  
  
  
It was a bright sunshiny day, as it was every day in... whatever   
setting this fic takes place in. For the sake of arguement, we'll say   
Greenwich.   
  
Anyway, King Heero, for some twisted reason or another, was   
riding his horse (Wing is overused for Heero's horse, so his name is   
Zero. I'm so original, ne?) through one of the villages in his   
kingdom, accompanied by his faithful assistant/geezer-man Docter J.   
However, for the sake of the story, he's simply called Patsy.   
  
Heero rode through the filth on the little hamlet stoicly. He   
wasn't quite sure why he was here, but some blonde servant with a   
fondness for tea had begged him to come see the witch burning   
festivities, and because Heero had nothing else to do at the time, he   
had gone. As Zero trotted down the main street, he could hear people   
shouting. He directed Zero to the source of the commotion, and   
watched from a semi-inconspicuous spot, his interest masked by a   
scowl. A young woman was being forced towards a stage by a Chinese   
boy and some other random villiagers, where the not-so famous   
Scientist Barton stood.   
  
The boy shouted to Barton eagerly, "We have found a witch! May   
we burn her?" Cheers and shouts erupted from the crowd in a chorus   
begging for the witch to be set aflame.   
  
Barton hid his excitement. He was going to judge his first case:   
To burn, or not to burn. To please the crowd, he decided to pick   
"Burn." Either way, he still had to make it *look* fair, even if it   
was rigged from the beginning.   
  
"How do you know she is a witch, Chang Wufei?"   
  
"Well, she looks like one!" Wufei replied, almost joyfully.   
  
"Bring her forward."   
  
The mob of raging peasants grew silent.   
  
Heero looked on. Surely there had to be something else he could   
be doing.... he squashed that train of thought as the witch was   
pushed onto the stand next to Barton. He knew this woman; this was   
something he *had* to see.   
  
"I'm not a witch, I'm NOT a witch!" The girl complained. Heero   
recognized her as the Princess Relena, visiting from another country   
(which requested to be left unnamed, probably from shame of   
affiliation with her) Aside from the rope bindings, she wore ragged   
brown robes, which had obviously been forced onto her. A pointy navy   
blue hat rested upon her tousled hair, and to complete the effect, as   
cheesy as it was, there was a carrot on her nose, and was tied around   
her face with a length of string to prevent it from falling off.   
  
Barton peered at her, a slightly humored grin creeping across   
his face. "But you are dressed as one."   
  
"*They* dressed me up like this!" she whined. The Wufei and the   
mob began protesting, but were cut off as she continued. "And this   
*isn't* my nose, it's a false one!" She reached up and tugged the   
carrot off her face with little effort, and looked expectantly at   
Barton.   
  
Barton arched his only visible eyebrow, and glanced at Wufei.   
"Well?"   
  
"Well we did do the nose..." Wufei admitted.   
  
"The nose...?"   
  
"And the hat," he added. "But she's a witch!"   
  
Once again, the band of villagers began shouting to affirm   
Wufei's accusation. Barton, finding the whole thing incredibly   
stupid, nonetheless pressed Wufei to admit all. "Did you dress her up   
like this?"   
  
"No!! ...No! No." Wufei shouted, the mob joining in. "Yes..."   
Wufei acquised, as Barton looked at him in a way that said "Well,   
duh. It would take a half-wit not to know that, Chang."   
  
"Yes. A... a bit. A bit..." As could be expected, his little   
backup troops agreed. "She *has* got a wart," he added hopefully,   
pointing at her neck, where a big black hairy wart was growing.   
  
"What makes you think she's a witch?" Barton asked dully,   
brushing his uni-bang aside, which promtly fell over his eye again.   
  
This time, the violet-eyed boy with the dangerouly long chestnut   
braid next to Wufei spoke up. "She turned me into a newt!" He cried   
pitifully.   
  
Barton blinked at him. "A newt...?"   
  
There was a long pause. When nothing happened, there was another   
pause. Barton watched the braided boy expectantly.   
  
"I got better," the boy muttered.   
  
There was another pause, this one much shorter, as Wufei   
remembered what he was supposed to be doing. "Burn her anyway!!!" He   
cried out, causing the mob to begin chorusing him again.   
  
"Quiet! Quiet!" Barton reprimanded them, but since when did   
angry mobs listen to reprimands?   
  
"There are *ways* of *telling* whether she is a witch." He   
informed them, his glee returning. "Tell me, what do you do with   
witches?"   
  
Instantly the mob replied, "Burn!!" "Burn them up!" Buuuuurn!!!"   
  
"And what do you burn, apart from witches?" Barton continued.   
  
"More witches!" Wufei cried. (seeing a theme? Dilandau-sama   
would be proud)   
  
King Heero smirked. This Wufei person was dense, but hell-bent   
on seeing the fiery demise of the girl. He fidgeted in his "saddle"   
and watched.   
  
Barton realised that Wufei is far too singleminded to actually   
answer his question, so he answered it himself. "Wood. So, why do   
witches burn?"   
  
There was, once again, a long pause. If you thought the first   
one was long, this one is infinitely longer. No one did anything.   
Barton blinked expectantly at Wufei who was lost in very very slow   
thought. The braided boy looked at the sky. It was far more   
interesting than watching Wufei try to think.   
  
Finally, Wufei hesitantly replied, "Be-because they're... made   
of wood?"   
  
"Gooood!" Barton was glad he was finally getting somewhere.   
There may be hope for the chinese boy after all. "So. How do we tell   
if she" he gestured to Relena, who was simultaneously pouting and   
glowering at Wufei, "is made of wood?"   
  
"Build a bridge out of her!" Wufei exclaimed   
  
"Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"   
  
"Oh yeah." Wufei lapsed into another bout of tedious thought.   
  
Unwilling to waste more time waiting for him to think up another   
answer, Barton asked a simpler question. "Does wood sink in water?"   
  
"No..! No! Nope! It floats!" was Wufei's excited answer.   
  
Duo, returning his attention to the matter at hand, shouted   
joyously "Throw her into the pond!" The mob (you thought I'd   
forgotten about them, didn't you?) cheered their approval. Heero's   
lips quirked. Now they were getting somewhere.   
  
Barton silenced the crowd, and questioned "What else floats in   
water?"   
  
Immediately Duo replied "Bread!... uh... Apples!"   
  
Wufei yelled "Very small rocks!"   
  
"Cider!" came the voice of the blonde tea-obsessed servant,   
somewhere in the mob.   
  
"Great Gravy!" shouted Wufei.   
  
"Cherries!" Called an Anonymous Mob Member(AMM).   
  
"Mud!" continued Wufei.   
  
"Tretches! Tretches!" added Duo. (Is that what he says? I   
couldn't tell)  
  
"Lead! Lead!" In case you didn't know, this is Wufei,   
contributing to his intelligent list of... items.   
  
Heero, getting impatient for Relena's execution, stated loudly   
enough for everyone to hear, "A Duck."   
  
There was a collective gasp from the mob, and all eyes moved to   
the King, sitting proudly on his... horse. (Jupiter sniggers 'horse?   
what horse?') Barton, immensely happy that *someone* had finally   
answered correctly, reverently said "*Exactly!*"   
  
Once he regained his composure, Barton began to address the mob   
(and Wufei, who was still thinking) once again "So, *logically*..."   
  
Wufei cut him off, " If... she weighs the same as a duck....   
she's made of wood!" he finished, grinning cheesily.   
  
Barton, shocked at Wufei's sudden show of intellegence, prodded   
him on. "And therefore...?"   
  
"A Witch!!!" Duo exclaimed. The mob, echoing his cry, surged   
forward, and dragged Relena off the stage by her dirty blonde   
hair.   
  
"We shall use my largest scales." Barton said, hopping off the   
platform and leading the crowd to the enormous scales conviently   
located a few meters away, complete with a duck on one side. Relena   
is tossed onto the other side, and the scales tip. Heero groaned. If   
those scales didn't even out, Relena would be allowed to live.   
  
As if sensing Heero's distress, Duo immediately sat on the   
duck's side and the scales leveled. If anyone noticed this, they   
certainly didn't care. Duo grinned at King Heero, who nodded his   
approval of Duo's "kind" act.   
  
The mob removed Relena from the scales, and tied her to a stake   
which was, once again, convienently located a few meters away. Duo   
produced a box of matches from God knows where, and set fire to the   
bit- er.. witch.   
  
The mob cheered. Quatre ran up to Wufei, hugged him fiercely,   
then flung himself at Barton. Barton led Quatre to his cottage, and   
weren't seen for several days. Wufei blinked, then pulled out a sack   
of marshmallows and began making s'mores. Heero dismounted his...   
horse, and Duo ran to him, grinning gleefully. Heero smirked, put his   
arm around Duo's shoulders, and the two of them watched joyfully as   
Relena burned. After a moment, Heero scooped Duo up in his arms, and   
carried him into the castle, convienently located a few meters away.   
  
For the next few weeks, neither the King or the braided peasant   
were seen, but anyone in the castle could tell you what they had been   
doing.   
  
~Owari~   
  
*****************************************************  
What'cha think? You like? This is my very first GW fic, so C&C   
please! *begs w/ puppy eyes*  
  
Jupiter Strahan 


End file.
